Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Life without a bra equals bliss.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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