My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
