I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
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