There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
