I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Randomize
