I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
