while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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