Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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