shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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