he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
