My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
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