I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
