Someone shit on the floor
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
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