Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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