chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
