just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
You dont lie about slip and slides
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
