I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i will never coherently bang her
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
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