If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
