Your mouth is God's brothel.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
