It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
