I think I won the penis lottery.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
