If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize