girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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