i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
