I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
