i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
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