Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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