Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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