you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
