i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
