i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
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