I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
