I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
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