im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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