Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
