I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
two words: eviction party
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
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