So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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