i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
