apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
