dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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