I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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