I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
