yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
