I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I AM VODKA MAN
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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