I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
