Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
