If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
