I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
