Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
