You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Pooping to opera.
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