A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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