Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
