Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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