you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Randomize
