Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
