seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
