This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
