This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
